Tim's Cogitorium

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Archive for the ‘XX – XY’ category

The Evolution of Christmas

November 3rd, 2011

Halloween was several days ago, which can only mean one thing. Christmas is upon us. Yes, yes, I know Thanksgiving is in there somewhere, but so far our WalMart overlords haven’t figured out how to commercialize that day beyond a good sale on canned cranberry jelly. So it doesn’t count. It’s Christmas dammit! Why aren’t you out shopping?

Actually several members of my family (those with a preponderance of X-chromosomes), started the Christmas season months ago. I know this because they started pestering me in July for what I wanted for Christmas, and for what they should buy my teenage sons. Some consider themselves behind if Labor Day comes and goes and they aren’t wrapping presents yet.

I don’t believe for a minute they simply enjoy gift shopping so much they have to start 6 months early because they can’t wait. Catch them overtired or with an extra glass of wine and they’ll even admit that while they love the idea of Christmas gifts, the reality is a pain in the tuckus, and they are just trying to get it out of the way.

In fairness, it’s not all downside. Pretty much everyone relishes seeing the unmitigated joy on a young child’s face as they open a Christmas gift. And kids’ needs and desires change so frequently in those early years that shopping for them is often fun. But shopping for anyone over 15 gets a little dicier. When shopping for older folks, gifts tend to fall into one of two categories. Stuff they don’t want, and stuff you can’t afford. Which explains why on Christmases-past you may have wanted an HDTV, but instead exclaimed, “Yay! Socks!” while quietly dying a little bit inside.

Retailers recognized this problem, and in recent years the advent of e-commerce and online wish lists have made things easier for shoppers to buy gifts people actually desire and value. In theory, you just hit up your intended’s Amazon Wish List and select from the bounty of gifts he or she has expressed an interest in… And a couple of clicks later, you’re done. Which would be bloody brilliant except that most of us don’t bother adding things to our wish lists. All of which earns us the ire of our loved ones who berate us for depriving them of the opportunity to conveniently show us how much they love us.

So now, instead of struggling to find the perfect gift for Mom, you struggle to find the perfect gift for Mom to give you. It’s not clear this is better. And whatever element of surprise there was in the giving of gifts has vanished. “Oh look! The new razor I picked out for me. What a splendid wrapping job you did on it. Is there any pie left?”

It’s tempting to argue that maybe us older folks should just mutually agree to wallow in each other’s company, embrace the warmth and the strength of our familial bonds, and forgo the whole gift exchange… but apparently that’s just crazy talk. “These are traditions dammit, and it wouldn’t be Christmas if you didn’t get to open something. So, just shut your heretical pie hole and tell me what to buy you!”

Looking at the evolution of gift giving on Christmas we see the following progression of things we give to others to celebrate the day:

Myrrh from afar or the occasional drum solo
Small handmade crafts, toys, or edible treats
Small elf-made crafts or toys
Thoughtfully or desperately chosen commercially produced stuff
Commercially produced stuff chosen by the giftee

Our entire economy is now dependent on Christmas shopping, so we can’t return to just offering each other a little pa-rum-pum-pum-pum without risking a collapse of the entire stock market, and I am not living through 2009 again. Instead, let’s push this forward. I think it’s time we move this along to its next evolutionary stage.

Why don’t we all just take responsibility for not only selecting, but for purchasing and wrapping gifts for ourselves from all our loved ones. Just put their name on it and place it under the tree. This is a sure way to restore the magic of the day, or at least the element of surprise. Sure, you’ll still know everything you’re getting, but you’ll have no idea what you’ve given. Maybe you’ll choose to have the whole family chip in on that TV. Maybe they’ll each give you an individually wrapped Oreo. Have you been naughty or nice this year? Who knows? You do! (Certainly they don’t.) Oh, the fun of Christmas morning is back.

Who’s with me?

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Posted in Just for Fun, Slice of Life, XX - XY

Tags: Christmas Commerce Economic Policy Family Internet

Back that thing up!

September 28th, 2011

It's just a bend to the right... And then a crash to the le-e-e-e-ft.

I’m scouring the paper this morning looking for police reports of yelling and other peace disturbing behavior coming from the home of a local elderly couple. But maybe I’m getting ahead of myself.

You see, I live near the Erie Canal, and there are several elevated one-lane bridges that are still the main way to get from here to there. These bridges usually have blind approaches, and so have their own protocols for who gets the right-of-way and who has to back-up and yield the bridge.

Usually this works without a hitch, but last night, one old lady and a particularly non-linear bridge approach combined for a physical comedy routine that was funny and painful at the same time.

On this particular bridge, you need to bear to the right as you approach, which the old lady did with aplomb. However, as she reached the bridge, she found me about ready to exit the bridge on her side.

As per the protocol, and without hesitation, she popped her car in reverse to yield the bridge. She needed to back up about 10 feet while steering gently back around the curvy apron in order to let me by. Easy-Peasy… or not.

Instead, she backed up twice that distance while keeping her wheel dead straight, meaning that she now blocked the entire street. My son and I watched as her head flipped back and forth and the reality of her current predicament settled in.

As we all know, nothing solves a problem like doing more of what you’ve been doing, but doing it harder and faster. So with renewed zeal, the sedan starts again down the hill… on a straight trajectory… heading toward the guardrail on my side of the road. The car jerked slightly to the left and right as the woman tried to see over each shoulder in turn. Yet she remained oblivious to the the outcome that was obvious to me as well as the cars now queued at the bottom of the hill behind her. We all watched, helpless, as the stupidity unfolded.

It was just a Yakkity Sax soundtrack from watching a Benny Hill skit. Traffic was frozen as the car stuttered towards its demise. There was nothing to do but add voice-over commentary for my son. “No! Stop! Turn right! DOH!”

It didn’t take too long before the sound of metal-on-metal filled the evening air as the driver’s side of her car was molded to the unyielding guardrail. I expected to see a look of horror and/or panic on the poor woman’s face, but the incident didn’t appear to register. In fact, she even gassed the car a bit to make sure it was firmly seated against the rail before making her next move.

Fortunately, her next move was forward, a direction that she was more comfortable with. She managed to pull the car back to her side of the road and come to a stop. And trust me, no one else on the road last night was going to move until she finally came to a complete stop.

We rolled past her, looking at all the crinkly sheet metal. I gazed at her face to see if she was okay after her ordeal, but from her expression you couldn’t tell that this wasn’t just another trip to the grocery store. Who knows? Maybe it was. Maybe this was not an atypical bridge negotiation for her. Maybe that’s why I didn’t see a police report in the paper about her yelling husband. Maybe.

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Posted in Just for Fun, Slice of Life, XX - XY

Tags: Car Tech

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished

June 25th, 2011

Last night, New York State made history on a couple of counts. Most prominently, it became the sixth and largest state to legalize same-sex marriage.

Secondarily, the passage of the bill happened because four Republicans crossed the aisle and signed on to the legislation in the State Senate. These people should be lauded as they will doubtless face repercussions for stepping out of party ranks. They did what they believed was right, without regard to their political futures.

However, while these two accomplishments are overdue and encouraging, the late night Albany session also produced approvals of several other policies which are going largely unnoticed in all the hoopla.

Buried on page two of this story is a brief mention that also approved was a tuition hike for SUNY Schools that will result in a 30% increase over the next five years. For parents of teen children, this is not small potatoes. This means a year’s expenses that currently cost $19k would rise to almost $25k by 2016.

Also approved was Governor Cuomo’s property tax cap. The cap limits property tax growth to 2% or the rate of inflation in any year. There’s no doubt that New York’s property taxes are ridiculously expensive, but as I’ve written about before, the tax cap is an ugly solution. It virtually guarantees preemptive maximum tax increases every year because local governments and schools can’t take the risk of keeping taxes low and then not being able to cover expenses in future years.

So while marriage equality and non-partisan action are things to feel good about, plan to have your wallet drained for college tuition and property taxes.

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Posted in Politics, Religion, XX - XY

Tags: Marriage Equality New York Tax Cap

Losing weight with caffeine-laced pants: Your butt still looks enormous

May 26th, 2011

There is apparently no end to the amount of money people will spend to convince themselves they are doing something about their weight. Witness, leggings with impregnated caffeine micro-capsules, designed to slim inches off your hips and thighs.

The marketing premise is that the micro-capsules are essentially made of Shea-butter with a metabolism boosting caffeine center. As you walk around during the day, (Wait! you still have to walk?) your natural body heat melts the Shea butter which is absorbed into your skin along with the caffeine. The result being that you’re then delightfully jittery with smooth supple legs. Or maybe your cottage cheese riddled butt is now just sloshing around inside greasy skin tight pants all day. I report, you decide.

These puppies will set you back $70, and according to the instructions should be worn 8 hours/day, 5 days/week , for a month to get the full benefit. This means you’ll need several pair, or you’re gonna work up a funk by month’s end that will make your weight problems the least of your anti-social attributes. P.T. Barnum was right.

Yet, don’t get me wrong, the notion of clothes with built in aerobic benefit is brilliant. But rather than caffeine, they should have gone with “Ants in the Pants“. Let’s be honest, you get a few dozen creepy-crawlies toolin’ around your tuckus and you will be out of your chair and dancing in no time. Feel the burn.

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Posted in Just for Fun, Mad Science, XX - XY

Tags: Gullible People Odd Tech

Technology is not always our friend

March 31st, 2011

Even sweet old ladies can be driven over the edge by tech frrustration.

I stopped to get gas today, and pulled up to the pump behind an old lady who seemed to be having some trouble. As I was parking I witnessed her jam her card in the pump, then whack the pump selector button somewhat indelicately. This was followed by a repeated two-handed thrust of the pump nozzle into her car, into the pump, and then back again… and again, as if she was the center attraction in some weird mechanical ménage à trois.

What stuck me was not the rage against the machine, but that this sweet little woman would have looked right at home at a church social, undoubtedly uttered the phase, “Well aren’t you a dear,” several times a day, and couldn’t have weighed 100 pounds soaking wet and carrying a bowling ball.

Stepping out of my truck I called forward, “Would you like some help?” She turned toward me, muttering something about the kid inside the store not doing his job. She then returned to her jamming, whacking, and thrusting.

I set my pump up to run and she was still at it—a relentless geriatric machine. I called forward again, trying to be helpful. “Did you answer all the questions on the screen?” Her head pivoted my way again. She stopped momentarily, considering my words. She glanced back at the pump, then flung open her car door to retrieve her glasses. You could feel the tension in the air as she squinted at the pump.

“Why the hell do they need me to answer questions? They have my damned card!” And undeterred, she jammed, whacked, and thrusted again.

I finally decided to intervene anyway, and approached her. “Here, let me try,” I offered, and I pressed the cancel button on the pump thinking we’d start over. But before the pump had a chance to reset… you guessed it… jam, whack, thrust.

“I don’t know why it’s got to be so damned complicated,” she said with exasperation.

“Let’s just start over,” I said a bit more firmly while taking the nozzle from her hand. I reset the pump with an eye out this time for any flailing hands, asked her to put her card in again, then asked if she wanted a receipt. Once the pump was operating I told her I thought she was all set and returned to finish filling my own vehicle.

As I was walking back I could hear her mutter, “That’s the last damn time I let him tell me to stop for gas. It’s not my job!”

I’m sure she was grateful in her own way… and I do not envy her husband when she gets back home. This is one sweet old lady you do not want to piss off.

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Posted in Geeky Pursuits, Just for Fun, Slice of Life, XX - XY

I will never be this lonely…

October 6th, 2010

With any luck, I should hope to never again be in a position of looking for a new romantic interest. But you never know when George Clooney’s going to pull up with a pair of backstage Toby Keith tickets and steal Kim clean away from me.

However, should that ever come to pass, rest assured I will die old and alone before I ever give “Weed Dating” a whirl. Apparently, a farm in Vermont has come up with a way to keep its fields in order while still making the farm hands feel like they have a social life.

The deal is that you show up and weed in a cultivated row with a prospective date. After assessing whether she knows a bean sprout from a clover, you move on to the next row where the next babe in coveralls with muddy knees awaits you. Once the field is finished, you’re free to hook up with the girl of your choice and scoot your collectively stinky selves off to the local diner for some pancakes, or head home to shower and come back next week.

Caitlin Gildrien, outreach coordinator for the participating farms says there have yet to be any romantic connections among the weeders. Color me stunned.

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Posted in Just for Fun, Slice of Life, XX - XY

In Case of Emergency: Remove Bra

September 25th, 2010

There are any number of reasons women are good to have around. Here’s something to add to the list. In the event of a disaster with lots of airborne particulates… say a volcano, a dirty bomb, a collapsing skyscraper, or even a fire… your honey’s undergarments may be the key to both of you surviving. That is, assuming she’s wearing the Emergency Bra.

This bra not only lifts and separates (or whatever it is bras usually do), but its cups are haz-mat breathing filters. It may be quickly disassembled into two functional and sexy masks. The theory being that when the alternative is sucking in lungfuls of radioactive dust, most anyone’s willing to have a red laced boob cover on their face.

This puts women at a unique advantage in a disaster situation. As the inventor of this multi-tasker explained:

Ladies and gentlemen, isn’t that wonderful that women have two breasts, not just one? We can save not only our own life, but also the life of a man of our choice next to us.

So be on your best behavior boys. When the apocalypse comes, you don’t want to be in the dog house. And hopefully, the emergency bra won’t be in the laundry basket.

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Posted in Geeky Pursuits, XX - XY

The Late Great Prop 8

August 7th, 2010

Sanity prevailed in Federal Court this week where California’s Prop 8 was shot down as unconstitutional. This once again makes it possible for same sex couples to marry on the left coast, or at least it will at some point again. That is unless the Supreme Court opts to overturn the ruling.

What I found most interesting was the rationale behind the ruling. Essentially the judge declared that under the Equal Protection Clause the state had no vested interest in discriminating against homosexuals. Therefore, their rights to equal status under the law was the prevailing rule.

First, the Equal Protection Clause is part of the 14th amendment, which is currently under attack from the right for allowing “anchor babies”. Could it be that the push to repeal the 14th is also a veiled push to remove the Equal Protections Clause? It’s not clear how sweeping any proposed repeal would be, but should this effort get as far as an actual drafted text, it would be worth more than a passing bit of scrutiny to assure we don’t lose some essential Constitutional protection of our rights and freedoms in the mix. After all, Conservatives are all about rights and freedoms protected by the Constitution, so there shouldn’t be much of a fight there.

Secondly, if this ruling stands, it strikes me as a potential precedent for striking down other laws infringing personal freedoms. I’m unsure how broadly this can be interpreted, and there are always arguments about what constitutes a vested interest by the state. Minimally, it seems antiquated sodomy laws and other intrusions by the state into the lives of consenting adults should be struck down. But what about something like using marijuana? The health implications are not worse than the use of alcohol and tobacco, both of which are legal. Previous claims of pot as a gateway drug have been repeatedly debunked. It’s not at all clear what the vested interest of the state is in outlawing the drug.

The demise of Prop 8 is worthy of applause in and of itself, and I hope the high court agrees, or at least agrees to ignore it. After all, comprehensive analysis of the consequences of gay marriage (as depicted in the chart below) seem will within tolerance levels.

But I’ll be very curious to see if this is a precedent for future rulings to keep the government contained to its appropriate domain. This is a victory for true small government advocates. The Tea Party should be cheering. They love freedom.

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Posted in Politics, XX - XY

I’m Thin! …or not

July 13th, 2010

The journal Pediatrics announced (via CNN) that the BMI measurement is maybe not so accurate, and suggests you measure your neck instead. Eh?

On the one hand, I thought this was great news as I’ve always found the BMI a bit depressing. BMI calculators always peg me as just a couple of points into the “Overweight” category. But like most men I’m able to rationalize my weight as being right where it should be. Especially if I’m about to go out for chicken wings. Further, the article says the trouble with BMI is, “it deems athletes or muscular people to be obese and underestimates body fat in older people.” I’m not “older people” yet, so I must be athletic or muscular. Cool.

And now this neck thing is poised to validate my svelte rationalization. Let’s check the table:

Based on age, a neck of this circumference or larger could indicate overweight or obesity, researchers say:
Boys
Age 6: 11.2 inches
Age 10: 12.6 inches
Age: 14: 14.2 inches
Age 18: 15.4 inches
Girls
Age 6: 10.6 inches
Age 10: 12 inches
Age 14: 12.6 inches
Age 18: 13.6 inches

Source: Pediatrics

Okay, so I dig out a tape and measure my neck and… crap! I’m a solid half-inch overweight. ARRRGHHHH!!! Oh wait… muscular people have bigger necks. That must be it. Yes, I just have a sinewy neck. Of course. Well now that I’ve got that all worked out, maybe I should fire up the grill and make a double bacon cheeseburger. Yum!

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Posted in Mad Science, Slice of Life, XX - XY

The Cootie Factor

June 26th, 2010

Newsweek reports on the reopening of the debate surrounding gender segregated education. But maybe the larger question is, what’s magic about gender?

The article gives a fairly balanced coverage of a lot of the arguments that have been going on for decades. Most boil down to the question, are learning styles truly different, or are they merely reinforcing gender stereotypes? One interesting point is that while mixed gender classrooms have historically been seen as a possible disadvantage to girls, there’s increasing thought they might really be detrimental to boys.

The article reaches no particular conclusion, and I also can’t say I have a strong personal opinion one way or the other. But what troubles me is more that if we start thinking girls learn differently from boys, why would that be the only line to be drawn? Sure, it brings up the obvious notion of going back to racially segregated schools. But what about other delineations that are likely more pedagogically defensible?

How about if we use the elementary level IQ tests they give all the kids anyway to assign kids to middle and high schools based on IQ? Could anyone reasonably argue that schools full of nothing but the best and brightest would have outstanding academic achievements? Still, the public backlash against any such proposal would be swift and loud.

What if you could show that kids with musical ability learned differently than others? Kids from troubled homes? Fat kids? The key point seems to be that as a society, we likely wouldn’t entertain dividing our public school students based on most all criteria. Why would we reasonably entertain doing it for gender?

I think until we can answer the question of why gender should be so much more important than any other dividing line, this notion of gender segregation in schools is a non-starter.

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Posted in Mad Science, Politics, XX - XY

Heel Girl

June 18th, 2010

Does your daughter have everything she needs to prepare for her impending womanhood? Chyna Whyne doesn’t think so.

In just six weeks, she’ll teach your teen to walk in high heels. Only six weeks! Although it seems to me it should be 10, one week for each toe.

I admit there must be some skill required to navigate the world in heels. I always get a kick out of the girls at my sons’ high school awards ceremony walking on their toes as they shuffle across the stage. But does this really deserve a course?

As if the premise wasn’t goofy enough to start with, the course also offers to teach girls how to shop for shoes. I think that’s conclusive proof this is a scam. Like any girl needs to be taught to shop for shoes.

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Posted in Just for Fun, Slice of Life, XX - XY

Roll Your Own

June 13th, 2010

“Be Prepared” may be the motto of the Boy Scouts, but the girl in this video shows that she deserves a merit badge for ingenuity, and maybe a traffic ticket to boot. Still, you have to admire someone who’s just not willing to accept that there’s no place to park. Undeterred, she carries supplies in her car to construct a “legal” parking spot wherever she happens to need to be. I only hope she’s currently working on a system to automatically deploy this system out the back of her car. That would be way cool.

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Posted in Just for Fun, XX - XY

Sarah’s Inflated Egos

June 11th, 2010

Sarah Palin self advertises as the every-woman hockey mom who’s just like you (or your wife/girlfriend/sister if you’re one of us dude types). And just like a typical woman, give her a few million dollars and the next thing you know she’s having a little work done. Wonkette reports that all of sudden Sarah seems to be filling out her blouse a bit more. There’s no official admission of anything, so this is all just rumor and speculation. But the girls over there have done an extensive analysis, and in my experience, nobody pays more attention to other women’s breasts than women. So they should know.

Not that there’s anything wrong with a little self-indulgence now and again, and no one is suggesting the McCain campaign paid for them or anything. I just find it a little comical that a morally righteous maternal role model who believes the end times are near is thinking she needs to be racked for the rapture. Just curious… when you get your halo and wings, do you get to keep the fake boobs?

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Posted in Politics, Religion, XX - XY

I Taut I Taw a Putty-Tat

June 10th, 2010

In the “go figure” pile we find news that big cats have an obsession for Obsession. It seems the Bronx Zoo stumbled on the fact that the felines just can’t seem to get enough of the Calvin Klein fragrance. On a whole, they’ll spend longer savoring that scent than they will a meal.

The effect is so profound that wildlife photographers have taken to using the cologne to lure the cats out for their cameras.

How does this matter to you? Well, you might want to think about what you’re spritzing yourself with prior to heading out on that safari or even on a trip to the zoo. Then again, if you’re trying to attract a cougar…