Thanks to Randy for sending this along. Comedian Tim Hawkins believes as singers age, so should their songs.
Archive for the ‘Just for Fun’ category
Geezer Rock
October 13th, 2010Biddies Gone Wild
October 8th, 2010
If you’ve ever been terrorized by an old woman in a personal mobility scooter… you might be a wuss.
Imagine the palpable fear inside a Wendy’s restaurant in Greensburg, PA when couple Jerome and Darlene Kilian started arguing about car keys. It seems Darlene, having had just about as much sass from Jerome as she was inclined to put up with, lit out in pursuit of her husband. She kicked her Hoveround into high gear and chased him around the Wendy’s causing several other customers to flee the building.
In fact, getting outside seemed like such a good idea, Jerome opted for the door, only to find his infirmed wife hot on his tail. She pursued hubby around the parking lot until police arrived and issued disorderly conduct citations to both of them.
I can only hope one of the Wendy’s employees had the good sense to play Yakety Sax over the PA system when this all started.
I will never be this lonely…
October 6th, 2010
With any luck, I should hope to never again be in a position of looking for a new romantic interest. But you never know when George Clooney’s going to pull up with a pair of backstage Toby Keith tickets and steal Kim clean away from me.
However, should that ever come to pass, rest assured I will die old and alone before I ever give “Weed Dating” a whirl. Apparently, a farm in Vermont has come up with a way to keep its fields in order while still making the farm hands feel like they have a social life.
The deal is that you show up and weed in a cultivated row with a prospective date. After assessing whether she knows a bean sprout from a clover, you move on to the next row where the next babe in coveralls with muddy knees awaits you. Once the field is finished, you’re free to hook up with the girl of your choice and scoot your collectively stinky selves off to the local diner for some pancakes, or head home to shower and come back next week.
Caitlin Gildrien, outreach coordinator for the participating farms says there have yet to be any romantic connections among the weeders. Color me stunned.
The perils of popularity
September 20th, 2010In our ongoing series of scientific studies proving the obvious, comes news that popular people get sick first. Duh.
What may be slightly less obvious is that health agencies might benefit from identifying and monitoring these social butterflies. After all, they are like the proverbial canaries in the coal mine. If some epidemic is going to run through a community, these soldiers can be expected to step up and take one for the team.
Those of us more socially challenged individuals may also take solace in our relative good health. Sure, we may not get invited to any of the cool parties or get mobbed with hugs when we walk into a room. But when all you Paris Hilton wanna-bees are on your deathbed, we’ll be hale as a horse, ensconced in our geeky dens full of Fritos and flat screens.
Remember: there’s an upside to everything if you squint hard enough and tilt your head just right.
Get Yer Arrrrrrr On
September 18th, 2010
It be that time o’ the year again me hearties. The piratical ways arrr upon us as September 19th draws nigh. It is once more:
International Talk Like a Pirate Day
So be brushin’ up yer pirate speak. Grab yer jacks n’ yer wenches and hoist a mainsail, or maybe a mug of grog. Or at the very least freak out the person passing the plate in church on the morrow when you toss in yer doubloon. If ye be a landlubbin’ son of a biscuit eater tomorrow, we’ll be forced to keelhaul yer ragged butt and send it to Davy Jones’ locker. Don’t be thinkin’ we won’t.
The lighter side of poop
September 16th, 2010Being #2, you try harder. So the folks doing poop research were not about to sit idly by while other researchers made electricity from pee. Hence, the Park Spark project which is turning poop into light. Ahhhh, the glamor of science.
The initial implementation is a street light in a dog park. The project encourages you to contribute your dog droppings to the natural composter, which then siphons off the methane gas to fuel the light.
But this is only the prototype. And there’s noting special about dog poop beyond the fact that dogs have figured out how to train humans to clean it up for them. Recycling being as popular as it is, it won’t be long before there are poop powered lights throughout your neighborhood. I suppose eventually there could be a direct sewer feed, but early adopters will likely have to settle for curb-side donations.
I can see it now. Grab the newspaper and tuck it proudly under your arm as you announce to the family, “I’ll be back in a bit… I gotta top off the street lamp.” Make no mistake, this movement will say way more about you than a Prius parked in the driveway ever could. You’ll be the talk of the cul-de-sac.
Reasons to Love a Fat Man
September 6th, 2010
To all the ladies out there: please consider this news carefully before you send your sweetie off to the gym, or give him grief for resting his lard-ridden ass on the sofa.
A study fresh from Erciyes University in Turkey shows that fat men make better lovers. That is, unless you’re in a hurry to get to a 50% off shoe sale or make a manicure appointment. In those cases, you’ll definitely want a gym rat. The study found a pronounced correlation between low BMI and premature ejaculations. So apparently 50 push-ups is not the only thing your studly man can rip off in under a minute.
If you want that slow easy lovin’, you need a man who knows about slow and easy. You need a beer and chicken wing fueled love machine who’s not afraid to stop and catch his breath now and again.
So feel free to drink in that ripply ab eye candy showing on the E! network. Go ahead and ogle those big guns hanging from the hunks on your favorite reality show. And we’ll be right here on the couch when you’re ready for some real lovin’.
Old but ambitious
August 18th, 2010
I want to have this much spunk when I reach the golden years. Recently, the Prince George Bank of Nova Scotia was robbed by a 75-year old man. After securing a small amount of cash from a teller, the man made his getaway.
As reported to police, the suspect “was described as a Caucasian male weighing about 230 pounds. He was wearing a straw hat, white T-shirt, grey jogging pants and dark glasses — and he was using a walker that many rely on for mobility.”
Amazingly, the laid back Canadian Mounties took 45 minutes to capture the man, who had failed to yet make it out of the strip mall in which the bank was located. Apparently they heard the call come in and finished their donut and coffee before walking from Tim Hortons to the other side of the lot where ther man was toddling along.
They say seniors should stay active…
The Wheels on the Bus
August 8th, 2010They go round and frickin’ round! Paul Stender and his team from Indy Boys Inc. have built a good old fashioned school bus that tops out at 367mph. Why? If you have to ask why then you just understand the true nature of men.
The bus sports a jet engine off of a phantom fighter plane and consumes 150 gallons of fuel in just a quarter mile run. There are frickin’ flames coming out the back.
To put this in perspective, if my kids could ride this bus to school they’d arrive in just under 23 seconds. That is, assuming you ignored acceleration and deceleration times, stop signs, and well… corners. Not to mention it would take 1380 gallons of fuel for each trip which I’m sure would have an impact on my school taxes.
But it’s still awesome…
Breaking News
August 5th, 2010From this morning’s newspaper:
A 14-year-old girl who was reported missing by her family after she texted them that she had been abducted by two men was found a day later in the home of a man with whom she’d apparently been chatting on MySpace.
Wait… people are still using MySpace?
What Could Go Wrong?
June 24th, 2010
California is entertaining what may be the most gratuitous use of technology, ever. Their legislature is considering a bill to move the state toward electronic license plates. The plates would essentially be digital displays that would look like normal license plates at speed. But once the car was stopped for more than 4 seconds, the plates would become small billboards displaying advertising. The thinking is that the state would make a bundle off of selling the ad space, and that would help close their mondo budget hole.
Okay, kudos to the state for thinking outside the box a bit, but… seriously? I’m willing to buy the financials. I’m sure they’d sell out the ads, and the revenue from the ads would likely pay for the expensive plates with money left over to pad the state coffers. And given the ads are only displayed when stopped, they shouldn’t be much of a driver distraction. But there are still a few issues to be addressed.
The tech of the plates themselves would have to be pretty rugged. You’re basically talking about a very low-end iPad-like device in a weatherproof and bulletproof package. The system requires a screen, processor, memory, and some sort of wireless communication. After all, it would be silly to have the plates locked in to a single ad for a whole year or whatever the duration of the registration is. Also, these plates require power, and this would be a mod to all cars to wire that. You can’t just tie into the license plate lights as they aren’t on all the time, and don’t even exist on the front of the car.
Not to mention that now you have $100+ of tech loosely bolted to either end of your car. I can’t imagine anyone stealing that, right? What about the personalization of the ads? Given the DMV knows who you are, where you live, and what you are driving, will the ads be tailored for your vehicle or neighborhood? Will Honda object to Toyota buying ad-time exclusively on their bumpers? Will you be offended when ads for Jenny Craig or Tampax appear on your car?
But the big issue will be hacking. These things have to be connected to be useful. And that means they will be hackable, and you know someone’s going to do that. Can you just imagine the possibilities when you can alter the plates on the cars all around you? And what about the criminal element? Now bank thieves won’t need to do all that messy plate swapping on the getaway car. They can just electronically alter the plate number as they drive away.
Yup… this is well thought out. Although being from New York, it does make me feel better that maybe there’s a state with a legislature more useless than ours.
Refresh of an Old Joke
June 21st, 2010This is stolen blatantly from a comment left by BaScOmBe on CrooksAndLiars.com, but I doubt that’s its original source either. Still, I thought it was pretty funny and wanted to share.
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.
“She rolled her eyes and said, “You must be an Obama Democrat.”
“I am,” replied the man. “How did you know?”
“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help to me.”
The man smiled and responded, “You must be a Republican.”
“I am,” replied the balloonist. “How did you know?”
“Well,” said the man, “you don’t know where you are or where you are going. You’ve risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You’re in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it’s my fault.”
Heel Girl
June 18th, 2010
Does your daughter have everything she needs to prepare for her impending womanhood? Chyna Whyne doesn’t think so.
In just six weeks, she’ll teach your teen to walk in high heels. Only six weeks! Although it seems to me it should be 10, one week for each toe.
I admit there must be some skill required to navigate the world in heels. I always get a kick out of the girls at my sons’ high school awards ceremony walking on their toes as they shuffle across the stage. But does this really deserve a course?
As if the premise wasn’t goofy enough to start with, the course also offers to teach girls how to shop for shoes. I think that’s conclusive proof this is a scam. Like any girl needs to be taught to shop for shoes.
Help the Cat
June 16th, 2010
I’m sure naming the cat “Help” sounded funny at the time. There was no word on whether or not the officers were amused. Still, it was probably safer than naming the cat “Free Beer” or “Kiss me”. Although it seems to me that “Iva Bigbutt” and “Igotta Tinkle” are possibly even more amusing alternatives.
But most importantly, this lady has a cat that comes when you call it?
And now for something completely different…
June 15th, 2010Okay, maybe not different. It’s still about BP and that damned oil spill. But at least this one is funny. This situation needs a little levity, and UCBComedy has done a great job with this video. Enjoy.