Weekend Dog Owner's Kit
Contents: 1 - 67 lb. Dog
1 - 20' Chain
1 - Steel Bristle Brush
2 - 18"x40" Dog Towels
1 - 6'x6' Blanket
1 - 8 oz. Scoop (Red)
2 - Lg. Bowls
1 - 15 lb. Bag Food type Dog
1 - Bag Treats type Dog
1 - 14" Dinosaur Bone
2 - Latex Toys
These instructions are supplied to aid the weekend dog-owner in assembling and operating
the weekend dog for maximum personal enjoyment and minimal hassle. The instructions will
outline each of the items in the kit; explain their use; and offer helpful tips for easy
operation. At the end of this flyer, a short section on troubleshooting has
beenincluded to help the owner get out of any particularly sticky situations.
First and foremost, DO NOT PANIC!! Dogs have no sense of time, and as such, will have long
since gone on to do something else they quite enjoy doing before you figure out how to
undo any hideous deed you might have done.
Secondly, don't worry about trying to teach the dog to adapt to your lifestyle and
household environment. The dog is already quite adept at teaching you how to support her
in the style of life which she has come to expect, and she will personally make any
alterations she finds necessary to your house.
All in all, if you follow the guidelines and tools provided in this kit, you should find
your weekend with the dog to be pleasant and enjoyable. In fact, you will probably find
that you will be well adjusted to living with your new friend about 37 seconds prior to
her returning home.
Content Descriptions
Dog: The dog is readily identified by looking about for the 67
lb. drooling furball which is presently trying to either: eat this flyer, lick your face,
or lick her butt. You see, dogs as a rule are quite orally fixated. They spend an
inordinate amount of time licking things you'd rarely consider touching with a well gloved
hand. Nonetheless, doctors tell us that being licked by a dog is more sanitary than being
licked by a fellow human or your spouse. Still, this doesn't help that queasy feeling you
get as they stop licking their butts, and immediately try to coat your tonsils with canine
saliva.
20' Chain: The chain is a valuable device for when you are not going to
be home for several hours, or when you would just like the dog to believe that that is the
case. Fasten the chain to any rigid object using the speed link, a pair of plyers, and
someone with a fair amount of patience. Fasten the dog to the other end while excercising
great care not to look into her eyes. Dogs are second only to vampires and leggy blondes
in their ability to get you to do anything for them (such as let them off of this chain
and feed them a large steak) by giving you "that look." (I am forced to admit
that my personal experience is limited in the area of leggy blondes trying to entice me to
unchain them and feed them raw meat.)
Steel Bristle Brush: The brush is included in this kit for the sake of
completeness. It is not anticipated that you
will feel any urge to attend to the dog's grooming needs until the latter stages of canine
bonding are reached. The brush can come in handy though, for removing objects from the
dog's coat which you would rather not have chemically bonded to your carpet.
18"x 40" Dog Towels: Dog towels can be used for cleaning up any
variety of things on, around, created, excreted, or caused by the dog. The best part about
the dog towels is that they go back home with the dog at the conclusion of the weekend in
whatever state you leave them in. Two towels are included so that both of you can
participate in the intimate ritual of "The cleaning of the paws" when coming
inside while it's raining (the dog, not you). With practice, the two of you can each clean
two paws such that the job is cut in half. With lots of practice, you can manage to both
pick up a paw on the same side of the dog, at the same time, such that she falls over and
looks at you as if to ask if you can really be that stupid.
6'x 6' Blanket: The blanket is both a protection and guilt relieving
device. It can be placed over any object which you're concerned about the dog lying on.
The blanket protects the furniture underneath while assuring that the dog is present on
that furniture almost constantly. A more useful application is to place the blanket on the
kitchen floor at night so that "the poor little puppy doesn't have to lie on the cold
floor." The net result of this is that you will feel less guily, and the dog will
play with the blanket until she's so tired that she falls asleep on the cold floor.
8 oz. Scoop (Red): This device is used five times each morning for
scooping dog food from the bag and spilling it onto
the floor.
Lg. Bowls: In one bowl you should place fresh cool water. The remaining
bowl is used as a recepticle for the dog food which has spilled onto the floor. Both bowls
should be placed within reach of the dog. Otherwise, they will still be full the following
morning when you go to fill them, and in a few days they'll start to overflow.
15 lb. Bag Food type Dog: This is the bag from which you spill five
scoops daily onto the floor such that you can pick all of it up and put it back in the
bowl except for the piece that you step on in your stocking feet and commence to swearing
about why your kids couldn't have children instead of dogs when suddenly you wonder if
this is at all related to their tendency to write in run-on sentences.
Bag Treats type Dog: This is a bag full of dog food which manufacturers
have cleverly convinced the public is better tasting than the stuff which costs less and
comes in bigger bags. The dogs seem to like them, but hell, they lick their butts for no
apparent reason too. Nonetheless, these so-called treats are good things to give the dog
for rewarding good behavior, or relieving your guilt for leaving the poor thing alone all
day while you were at work.
14" Dinosaur Bone: This bone should be thought of as a dog pacifier.
It should be saved, and given to the dog only when she is acting particularily
obnoxious, and for whatever reason, you feel it's important that she stay indoors. She
will wile away the next few hours turning that hunk of dried cow skin into a slimey mass,
and then ingesting it for reasons that are more obscure than why she licks her butt.
(Note: It is vital that the bone stay indoors. She will only chew the bone while you are
watching (seriously!). If she takes it outdoors, she will only get it so dirty that you
won't want it back in the house. Then you'll have to put up with her!!)
Latex Toys: The toys are used for the mutual enjoyment of you and your
weekend pet. They provide an ideal excuse for your weekend dog to slobber all over your
hand such that you will begin to hold it in mid-air, away from everything else, and look
at it like it's not really yours anyway.
Troubleshooting Guide
Dog won't eat: It could be seperation anxiety, or the three sweet
rolls and 18 cookies she had for breakfast.
Dog won't stop trying to lick your face: It could be the three sweet
rolls and 18 cookies you had for breakfast, remnants of which are still on your face and
breath.
Dog won't come in out of the rain: The dog is probably engaged in an age
old ritual of watching a small animal sitting warm and dry under a tree who is in turn
watching the dog get soaking wet in the rain. Each is secretly laughing at the other
thinking s/he has the upper hand. This is a genetic defect in dogs, and as such should be
seen as a crime of nature, and treated as an act of lunacy.
